Dear Harlan:

I live with my boyfriend, but I’m not getting along with him. I have supported him financially for two years, and yet he is unable to provide what I need: emotional support. No matter how much we talk, I can’t make him see it. To complicate issues, I have started to have feelings for my best friend. I think he might have feelings for me, too. How do I know if he is the right guy?

I just want to find the right guy and settle down before I become old and haggard. My standards aren’t that unrealistic. Why can’t I find someone? This whole love thing is just too hit-or-miss for me. I am becoming a serial monogamist in my search for “Mr. Will Do.” Help!

–Miss Monogamist

Dear Miss Monogamist:

Either your best friend has feelings for you, or he needs someone to pay his rent.

The problem might be that you keep falling in love with the idea of the guy, not the actually guy. When the illusion gives way to reality (in this case, two years later), you finally see what you really have -- and it’s not what you fell in love with, because that was never actually there to begin with.

Do things differently this time.

Get to know the person beyond the illusion. Any guy can be a lover, but not every lover can be a friend. Take small steps. Work on the friendship part. See beyond the fog of lust. And speaking of friends -- it’s hard to know if your best friend has potential. That is, unless you change your living arrangements. Most men find it intimidating to approach a woman with a live-in boyfriend.

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