Dear Harlan:

I have a confidence problem due to the fact that I can’t get a date. The problem is, a lot of people assume that I am gay. I am not overly feminine. I don’t dress girly. I am just a 20-year-old college guy that wants to treat a lady like a lady. I don’t do the “hit it and quit it,” I don’t look for just sex and I try to be respectful, but maybe due to those things, I am labeled as gay. After I tell a girl that I am not gay, she usually views me as a “friend.” I have thought about “macho-ing” it up, but that isn’t me — I am a gentleman. How can I feel comfortable with myself when all people see is a cool gay guy?  

–Not Gay

Dear Not Gay:

If you happened to be gay, there would be women lining up to get you to come over to the other side (the cruel irony).  Since no one is lining up, the problem might be something you’re doing (or not doing). Go directly to the source. Talk to the women with the misguided gaydars. Ask them to be brutally honest, even if it risks hurting your feelings. Find out what you’re doing that gives off the gay vibe. You might discover that you’re so focused on being a gentleman that you’re missing out on their cues. For example, women might be all over you, but yet, you might not be responding because you’re a “gentleman.” Being a gentleman does not mean being hands off. It means asking before putting your hands on. Go to the source and report back.

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